folks, it's friday. ( applause )♪ it's friday it's friday oh♪ it's friday ♪ >> stephen: i don't know whatsong you're dancing to but i like it. i have a quick word of warningbefore we get started tonight. tonight's monologue was createdin a factory that also processes peanuts. it's important to say in caseanyone has an allergy.
especially now, because mylan,the company that produces these epipens right here-- anybody useone of these? they have jacked up the price ofthese pens for less than $100 for a pair to over 600 bucks. yeah, that price is enough tosend you into shock, but don't do it because you can't affordthe pen anymore. now, mylan pharmaceuticalsclaims the price, "has changed over time to better reflect thevalue the product provides." ( laughter )now, to be clear, that value is
saving the lives of people whocan't breathe. or as mylan likes to call them,"gasping, cash-filled meat sacks." ( laughter )now all of this, you know, hiking up of medicine, reminds alot of people of a guy named martin shkreli,the pharma bro who jacked up the cost of h.i.v. drugs by 5,000%. can we put up a picture ofskhreli? that was a close one.
i'm severely allergic to douche. ( cheers and applause )and when asked about mylan, shkreli certainly had somethingto shkrell about it. >> these are life-saving drugs. people don't have a choicewhether they can buy them or not. >> yeah, well, that's up toinsurance to pay for them. like i said, it's $300 a pen. $300.
my iphone is $700, ok? >> but you don't need an iphoneto exist. >> yeah, that doesn't matterthough, because it's $300 and 90% of americans are insured. >> stephen: okay, i've got twoproblems with that: his total heartlessness, and her assertionthat it is possible to exist without an iphone. so does she have a galaxy? i don't understand.
well, after starting afirestorm, yesterday, mylan's c.e.o., heather bresch, cameforward to address the criticism. >> heather, surely you mustunderstand the outrage. the american medical associationhas said this is basically the same product it was in 2009, andyet the price has gone up 300- or 400-fold. >> so, look, no one's morefrustrated than me. ( laughter )>> stephen: she's frustrated!
i mean, the tone-deafness ofthat just takes your breath away. and getting your breath backwill cost you over 600 bucks. ( cheers and applause )now, in other news-- in other news, the f.b.i. isinvestigating whether russian intelligence agencies havehacked the computers at the "new york times." or, as the "times" reported it,"putin named world's sexiest leader."
( laughter )oh, here's a new occupational hazard to worry about: if youplay the bagpipes-- and who amongst us has not dabbled--among us hasn't dabbled-- watch out that you don't get whatdoctors are calling "bagpipe lung." that's when the mold and fungilurking inside your bagpipe trigger coughing, shortness ofbreath, and even fever. i mean physical fever,not bagpipe fever. which we all have.
this is according to an articlein a medical journal called-- and this is true-- "thorax." i'm a subscriber. i keep it on my coffee tablebetween the latest issue of "ant head" and "wasp abdomen." ( laughter )bagpipe lung-- took a while for that to sing in, took a while. remember your eighth gradebiology class? all right.
footnotes for everybody. what's going on here,bagpipe lung can be tricky to diagnose. it's hard to distinguish ahacking cough from just a scottish accent. "och, let's go to loch lomondand eat some potted hough." ( cheers and applause )so hasty with the... this week in other news-- yes, there isother news other than bagpipe lung.
this week, mcdonald's recalledmillions of fitness bands because they contain dangerouslevels of irony. ( laughter )( applause ) it's in the happy meal. in the happy meal. i'll wait. ( applause )mcdonald's recalled the wristbands after they leftpeople with burns and blisters-- which, technically, is the jobof their apple pie filling.
any lord of the rings fans outthere? me, too. well, a story just came outabout napster billionaire sean parker's "lord of the rings"themed wedding back in 2013. here's what happened. sir ian mckellen has revealedthat he turned down $1.5 million to officiate the wedding asgandalf, saying, "i am sorry, gandalf doesn't do weddings." damn right!
gandalf doesn't have time tomarry you, sean parker! he is the servant of the secretfire, wielder of the flame of anor. he killed the mothertruckin'balrog, after chasing the ancient immortal demon throughthe tunnels of khazad dum until they climbed the peak ofzirakzigil where he smote the demon's ruin on the mountainside. ( cheers and applause )yeah! no, i'm mad!
i'm angry now! and you know-- did you know,gandalf himself died and then returned from the dead asgandalf the white. and why? so he can marry the napsterguy?! no! napster hasn't been a thingsince the earindel flew vingilot to valinor. if you invite gandalf to do thewedding-- besides, listen, if
you invite gand afl, column'sgoing to want to be the ring bearer and somebody's losing afinger.
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