you know, if it's not obvious, ijust want you to know i love my job, because as a late-nighthost i get to be out here with the band every night, hearbeautiful music, sing songs with guests, meet millennial sexsymbols, be here with you people in the audience, meet you peopleout on the street. it's a great job. mostly i love this job because iwield such program power in this chair. most people have to wait a wholeweek for the new episode of
their favorite show. netflix gave me the whole of"house of cards" at once. and yet, there are those evenmore powerful than i. history's most despotic leaders. genghis khan. benito musolini. spike lee, seen here as theemperor of fluffy bunny baseball town. these merciless tyrants have buttwo things in common: absolute
authority and a big furry hat! ( applause )( cheers and applause ) my people, now that this hat isupon my head, i am endowed with unquestionable power! this is due to my hat's two mainattributes: its bigness and its furriness. any proclamations i make whileso behatted are now and forever law. let us begin.
( applause )henceforth, if your car has a bumper sticker that says, "mychild is an honor student," your child must aware a t-shirtthat says, "my parent is insecure." ( cheers and applause )from now on, if a movie trailer shows everything good in themovie, they must add a surprise ending where a bunch of dogs getmarried. ( applause )there is no longer any difference between stalactitesand stalagmites.
both are now known as "caveherpes." ( laughter )lauz if you lose your keys, andcannot find them in ten minutes, you must move. starting today, on all officialforms under "eye color," it shall include blue, brown, andgoogly. let it be written that if youname your genitals, you must introduce them at parties. ( laughter )( applause )
alan, this is captain thunder. captain thunder, this is alan. ( applause )if a waiter warns you that a plate is hot but you touch theplate anyway to see if they're lying, you shall be put todeath. any uncles who are not actualsiblings of your parents are fake uncles, now known asfuncles. ( applause )if a doctor keeps you waiting for more than one hour, you getto check his prostate.
( cheers and applause )henceforth, windex must taste as good as it looks. from now on, anyone who saystheir guilty pleasures are reality tv and oreos mustimmediately try cocaine and murder. if you drop your wedding ringdown the drain, you are now married to the sewer king. i hereby create a new airlineticket class called "economy feel-good plus."
it's a regular economy ticket,but on your way to your seat, you get to punch someone infirst class. ( cheers and applause )the hat has spoken!
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